Feelings (dream threads

One second I saw black and the next I was running, running mentally not physically, from everything and everyone. Running from the authority and power they seem to have over me. I want to be free, like Maya, but a different free, free from criticism free from all the things I’ve done wrong, free from people telling me what to do,  free from the shock and pain of everything I’ve lost, and everything I don’t have to show for. I run, I run hard, I push limits with my words, I scream and I cry. I rebel with my attitude and I fight for the attention from my mom. And I know who I am, there is two of me, there’s the Allie you see and there’s the one hidden that only pain can bring. I call her Alexandrah because that’s really me. I’m used to the way she feels, almost comforting at this point. Her heart hurts and she gets frustrated, words spill out of her mouth fast. And there toxic. They come out meaning to hurt someone, and she yells at the top of her lungs, screams actually. Screams of the past the present and the future, and then the water works come, the tears the warm tears that roll down her face, pain, in liquid form. Searching for somewhere to go, only to roll off her cheek and soak back into her body, waiting to make another appearance. And when it’s all over she’s gone, not forever just until something brings her out. After I have to deal with the damage that’s been done. Apparently I’m not happy with myself. Its anger built up from other things, that I don’t know how to deal with. Some of it is but not all of it. I know what it is and only I do. I’m heartbroken and hurt and scared of everything. I know what I want, what I need, and what I want to be. But I can’t be free and I can’t fly like Maya if everyone is always trying to cut off my wings. To be dramatic I could say events that have taken place have probably traumatized me for life…